His Voice
by carebear969
Summary: Staring at his grave, the words engraved lost its sharpness over the years. They no longer brought a deep pain in her heart, only a slight emptiness. Post season 4 contains spoilers. FreddieXEffy


It's the end of August, when summer ends and the days cool down; when all the excitement dies down to a lingering whisper. The old lady strolled along the grey pavement, crunching the fallen red and golden leaves on the sidewalk with her languid stroller. Wherever she moved she left a dark footprint, like how he stamped his mark all over her heart. The day started to end as the sun set in deep shades of pinks, oranges, and purples. Turning into a grey arched gateway, she moved up the road surrounded by tall trees and walks towards the spot she visited every Sunday. It's funny how she still remembers the path to this place while not being able to recall what she had for breakfast.

_Was it jam on toast? Or was it butter on toast? _

_Or was it jam and butter on toast?_

_Oh screw it._

It's not that she really cares about what she had for breakfast. No, not really. It's that she doesn't have the control over her own mind anymore which scares her. She once was the young girl who made snarky comments, but now she can't even remember her own name none-the-less make a witty comeback. This isn't even taking into consideration that she doesn't have someone to make a witty comeback to anymore; he's been long gone. The wind howled and the leaves floated down from their branches, tangling into her beautiful grey hair which was once a chocolate brown. Tucking a strand behind her ear, she stopped in the middle of the road and looked up into the trees. Shielding the sunlight with the back of her hand, she squinted her eyes and strained her ears. After a while with no avail, she finally gave up and puts her hand back on her stroller.

It's just like every time she tries. She can't remember his voice anymore.

She loves how her life is so ironic. She was the one who was scared of love, but he was the one who died because of love. She once believed no one could break her heart since she was the cold-hearted Effy, but in the end she became lost, with only reminiscent memories of what once had been. Moving up the road once more, she loathed how she was the one left behind.

Once she arrived at the small clearing, she moved towards the old oak tree. Its branches look as if they are reaching towards the sky with thick coats of leaves covering each arm. Oak trees were always her favorite trees. They didn't lose their leaves in Autumn like the rest, they only lose their leaves when new ones bud out and the weather turns warm once again.

This part of the walk was always the hardest for her since the wheels of her walking aid always catched on the grass. Struggling with the stroller, she finally came under the shade of the tree and took out a blanket from the little basket in the front of her stroller and lay it next to the slab of stone. For seventy years she's had her dinner in this spot every Sunday. And if it weren't for her aging body, she would do it for another seventy. Carefully placing the picnic basket on top of the blanket, she moved to sit on her stroller.

_Crack._

Oh bloody hell did she hate her back, it always hurt when she sat down, reminding her of the years she has lost. After settling down into a comfortable position, she opened her mouth to talk.

"Hello there." She said with her raspy old voice.

"I'm back again." She mused, "And in case you were wondering, I did remember to bring an extra glass this time."

She bent to open the basket and took out a wine bottle with two glasses. Placing them on the stone slab, she poured a generous amount into both.

She can't help but think how silly this is. She never liked wine, and neither did he. But ever since her 80th birthday her son insisted someone of her age shouldn't drink vodka and insisted that she replace it with wine.

_Oh, kids. _She thought. When did her little Freddie grow up so fast?

Yes she did name her son after him. How could she not when she said his name every day in her sleep. The only way for her to cover it up was to name her son Freddie, that way she could have a proper explanation for her husband, and a proper way to fool herself into thinking she was okay. She couldn't say that she only loved Freddie, but she was guilty for sometimes looking into her husband's blue eyes only to find that they turned into a deep shade of brown. She couldn't help it, she really couldn't.

Staring at his grave, the words engraved lost its sharpness over the years. They no longer brought a deep pain in her heart, only a slight emptiness.

_Frederick Mclair_

_1987-2008_

_A loving son, brother, and friend._

She always wished she could add the word _husband _or even _boyfriend_ to the end of that. But she couldn't, not after how Karen looked at her during the funeral. She didn't blame Effy for Freddie's death, she understood that he died because he loved Effy. But it didn't make the truth any less painful, nor did it make the reality any less real. He was gone.

She hated herself. Of all the people in the world, why did these things happen to her? What did she do to deserve this?

_What did Freddie do to deserve this?_

He was a kind soul‒the one who helped her when she needed it the most. He was the one listened to all of her pleas, he was the one who answered to all of her calls.

_So why?_

She's asked this question so many times that the phrase itself already lost its meaning. She didn't believe in God because of this, she lost her faith in everything. In everyone.

When Freddie was born it was the most joyous moment in her life. Even more so than when she was married. His opened his eyes and reached his little hand towards his mother. Even after the nurses took him away she couldn't stop crying. He had brown hair and brown eyes.

Looking down onto her wrinkly old hands which were covered with sun spots, she noticed how wet they were. The sky was not raining, nor did she spill anything onto herself. Touching her hands to her face, she noticed the wetness on her creased skin.

She was crying.

Oh gods she was crying. Clutching onto her shawl and bringing it around herself, she hugged her knees and cried. And cried. Her shrill voice cut through the empty forest like a hot knife through butter. She felt empty inside, as if the place where her chest was only an empty shell as it lost the heart it was supposed to contain.

The pain never went away and it never will. She understood that, she truly did. But only if she could turn back time, she would choose to never have looked into his eyes when Cook pulled the bicycle stunt. She would have never gave him the list to check off.

She would have never kissed him back on the day in the lake. Asked him to hit her in the forest. Told him to help Cook on the phone.

But there was one thing she never regretted. Telling him she loved him over and over when he sat by her bed and cried after hearing the words. She would have done that a hundred times, and thousand times if she knew it was the last time she would see him, the last time he would hear those words from her.

She missed him.

She doubled over as a stream of coughs plagued her body. Using a handkerchief to blot away her tears and wipe her mouth, she noticed the drops of blood staining the cloth. A sudden wave dizziness overtook her as she collapsed onto the grass next to his grave. She knew this would happen sooner or later, at least now she might have a chance to see him again. When she was diagnosed with cancer, the doctor expected her to cry or even yell, but she did neither, all she did was smile slightly and walk out. They would never understand her, no one would. The only reason she didn't end her life was Freddie. If she killed herself, she would be wasting everything Freddie lost for her, and she would never do that. But because this was a natural disease and a legitimate reason, she was happy that something could finally take her away from this suffocating life.

Feeling her breath slow and the darkness creep into the edge of her vision, she welcomed it. She saw the beautiful blue of the sky fading and heard a sweet voice echo in the breezy wind.

_I love you._

She finally remembered his voice.

* * *

September 18th 2102

Closing the door to the car, she said goodbye to her older brother as he drove away. It was the first day of university, and she honestly could care less about school after seeing the amount of girls gossiping and squealing in the hallways. She hated how they had uniforms. It's not like this was the 21st century or anything.

_Ugh._

Walking down the rows of lockers, loads of boys gave her the look as if she would be flattered by their fucking stares. She rolled her eyes as they whistled and screamed at her while she passed by.

_Those effing boys and their effing arrogance and effing stupid stares. _

She rammed her textbooks inside her locker and slammed the door shut. Digging through her bag for her cell phone, she looked up to find a tall boy leaning on the locker next to her. If it was another one of those freaking bastards, she was going to kick him in the balls.

"Who the fuck ar‒" She never got to finish the sentence as he bent down lightly and pecked her lips.

"I'm Freddie. Nice to meet you."


End file.
